Amusing Things About Turtles

(or, Turtles! What more could you want?)

Last time I wrote a piece about two people who annoyed me, and linked it vaguely to the idea of unnecessary encouragement as a concept that affects multiple people. Today’s post, however, will have no such profound conclusion; it is simply that I find turtles amusing (and yes I mean turtles as in the swimming creature, not the land-based one).

1) This guy likes them

Yes, the famous Zombie Kid who likes turtles, chronologically and representatively the Internet’s equivalent of Moses, in that he came before the 1 AD-like event that was the first VidCon in 2010, and he united the World’s face-painted weirdos behind his Turtillian banner. Zombie Turtle Kid also showed us that, as this is not Nigel Farage’s wet dream, people with oddly-coloured faces are allowed to express their opinions, in a simple, unexplained manner, without causing the apocalypse; in a society full of both stupidly-detailed explanation of God-knows what, and a growing social belief that your opinions are invalid if you can’t back them up with large bodies of reliable evidence,and present them in a manner of a thesaurus-swallowing prick (as this blog shows), it’s reassuring to know that a kid with face paint simply likes turtles. The humble turtle could serve as a metaphor for Zombie Kid’s simplicity and brilliance; with exactly zero knowledge about turtles, or animals in general, I can safely say that the relatively simple life of swimming about, bumbling around on beaches and absolutely bugger all else, could show us all that life needn’t be complicated to be enjoyable.

2) Turtles look remarkably similar when upside down as they do when right-way-up

I do know that turtles’ (or at least tortoises’) lungs and reparatory systems are found on their backs, under their shells, so flipping turtles for a prolonged period of time isn’t a good thing, but possible suffocation aside, d’awwwww, the turtles are upside down! There’s something reassuring in the knowledge that things can look almost identical, whether they are upside down or not; humans don’t even look remotely similar when we’re doing handstands, but the circular nature of turtles’ bodies means that whatever their orientation, they’ll look like frisbees with little stubby feet. I may be a cynical and a nihilist, but I repeat: d’awwwww, turtles!

3) They confuse people, particularly Americans

I’m not saying that making life hard of folks across the pond is an inherently good thing, but surely there’s nothing wrong with a bit of piss-taking from a nation with the legal right to suspend their own Government, surely leaving no Government remaining to reinstate the Government when all of this blows over? (Satire, yo). The American distinction between turtles and tortoises is incorrect, by which I mean ‘not British’; this pointless difference shows the awesomeness of the turtle – no other animals in the World do this. Do Americans call squirrels ‘brown nut squeezers’, and do we call dogs ‘man’s best leg-humper’? No, we do not. Turtles are unique, and therefore cool in this respect.

4) Turtle Racing. Your argument is invalid

Honestly, watch this from a minute in and keep your eyes on the Flash Gordon impersonator on the top right. Also, the video’s description promises ‘Turtle races every Friday’; sadly there are no more videos on this channel, so we can’t check if this promise is regularly fulfilled, but this event seems well-attended and financed – the turtles have numbers for God’s sake (maybe you can bet in play on the turtle racing? You should give Ray Winston a call)! No other animal species is this much fun to watch in a race – see? – and for that, turtles I salute you.

This isn’t the place for profound conclusions, so I’ll let you draw your own here if you really want to; this is a place for turtles and their shelled awesomeness. I’m not going to turn this into a turtle blog or anything, but occasionally it is fun to just go ‘Hey look, a thing that I enjoy!’ and simply enjoy it. Normal sarcasm will resume tomorrow (provided I have the time, of course) and the turtles shall not be mentioned again in the near future; if I start turtling regularly, I’ll have to get Zombie face paint and go hang out with the Zombie Turtle Kid, and I dislike paint.


Oscar Huglin (who sort of inspired this piece – go blame him if you didn’t like it)

Zombie Turtle Moses Kid (who parted the Red Sea to bring us turtles)

Vidcon (a bit like Nocbiv, if you know what I mean)

Upside Down Turtle (tah-dah!)

Turtle Racing (I love Big Joe now)

Bird Racing (I dislike Big Jose now)


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