My School is a Fire Hazard

(once we did actually have to call the Fire Brigade in the middle of a Games lesson)

Oh my God, call the tabloids, launch a petition at Michael Gove and put us on the shortlist for the next instalment in the ‘Educating x‘ series after the popularity of Educating Essex and Yorkshire, our Sixth Form building’s smoke alarm might be ever so slightly improperly wired in a way that doesn’t actually affect the functionality of said smoke alarm.

The ‘problem’ here, if you will, is that the cable that connects the smoke alarm to the box on the wall with the tiny, ethernet-cable looking slot that absolutely nothing else can fit into to draw the precious, precious power from, is knotted. Like this. Now, this probably won’t affect how the smoke alarm operates, but what if it does? What if all conventional understanding of electronics on a molecular level is proved wrong, or ate least inconsistent, by the knottiness of a cable? Did Einstein ever tie a cable up and run a current through it? Probably, but in my generalised, unspecific knowledge of physics, derived entirely from hearsay and year nine science lessons that I’ve thankfully forgotten, this is an uncertainty, and any concept that’s not obvious enough for the average pleb in the street to have a vague background knowledge of is as good as non-existent; do I know how knotting affects cables? No, therefore science has failed in educating me; do I know that water cannot be grasped? Yes, so science has succeeded in this respect, and so this concept is true.

I can science.

To remedy this situation, I propose an unknotting of the knot, so as to avoid both confusion regarding what the alarm will do if it cannot function properly, and therefore remove the danger, as we all know that anything uncertain or new is inherently dangerous; after all, the stuff in our lives hasn’t killed us yet, so why should we introduce stuff into our lives that could? Not only should we not have this knot knotted, but we should not knot other knots, so these knots are not knotted themselves in the future. The problem is that not everyone will be okay with de-knotting existing knots, or not knotting non-existing knots, but these fools should bend to the regime soon enough (or not, who knows?). Also, I feel an abolition of knots would help the situation; simple replace every shoe with velcro, every friendship bracelet with a belt-like buckle system, and every tent rope with an actual bloody house. That way, no-one will ever think of tying this cable into a knot again, if this horrific incident was premeditated and consciously done, and if it happened accidentally, we would find this knot strange and alien, and remove it instantly, as we should do with all new things.

I suppose that this harrowing event has just highlighted the need to eradicate change and difference – our society has stood strong for generations, and we can’t have silly things like knots ruining it for us, can we?


OH MY GOD A KNOTTED CABLE (clearly worth a link of its own)


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