Things I’ve Realised

(the one week I don’t post daily and an international movement to post blogs daily starts up and leaves me behind. Sigh)

Evening all, I’m back from the Welshness of my final DofE expedition, and will probably write a post specifically about it in a few days, and ready to start getting annoyed at things in blog form once again. To compensate for the lack of posts this last week, I thought I’d write the blogging equivalent of Mock The Week‘s Scenes We’d Like To See, and rattle off a bunch of amusing things I’ve noticed recently, and not so recently, in my life.

1) I type ‘adn’ more than any other word

Obviously, this is a typo of ‘and’, and shows two things about my writing: that ‘and’ is one of the most common words I use in my idiolect, and that my barely-evolved neanderthal-like fire-starting fingers can’t work out that in typing this word, the ‘n’ comes before the ‘d’. Perhaps I’ve typed it incorrectly so many times it’s second nature, or that I trick myself out of focusing on these practical problems by thinking about silly little things like mortality, the purpose of life and the possible existence of existence. Either way, it’s getting annoying having every other line of every document I’ve ever typed be underlined with the red squiggly line of illiteracy.

2) On her Scripted cover, Ariel looks like the Overly Attached Girlfriend

See? See? Maybe its a conspiracy theory, and they’re actually the same person! Ever see them in the same room together? Neither have I, so it must be true! Or, perhaps these two women are both pulling vaguely similar facial expressions in two unrelated pictures. BUT MAYBE NOT! This is more mind-blowing than shoving a lit catherine wheel in your ear on Bonfire night because you know nothing about the actual historical background to this ‘holiday’ you’re ‘celebrating’, and just want an excuse to set stuff on fire and go “Ooh!” at all the pretty colours, like a child. Or a fish.

3) The difference between half-full and half-empty

Okay, this is gonna piss off a lot of people, but I’m going to try to apply logic to this basic means of dividing people’s mindsets into optimists and pessimists, based on staring at a cylinder full of the single most plentiful substance on Earth (next to repeats of Top Gear on Dave). Essentially, if the container is being filled, and the filling stops halfway through, it is half-full, as half of it has been filled with the liquid; conversely, if a container is being drained of a liquid, and the draining stops at the halfway mark, it is half empty, as it has been emptied, only to the extent of half a cup.

The reason why I want to make this distinction is because the usage of this as a test of optimism is arbitrary to the point of idiocy; before developing this system, I used to say cups were half-full all the time, but I look up in life about as much as a construction worker who has been pushed face-first into wet and surprisingly quick-setting concrete by a particularly violent co-worker as revenge for stealing a chip when they went to a McDonalds. Often with humanity, we try to quantify things that make no sense or are subjective with numbers – who’s a better player, Maradona or Pelé? We’ll never know, but we can tell you who scored more goals in fewer games and other daft numbers like that. I just want to add another dumb bit of quantification to that list.

4) Eat chocolate biscuits like a sandwich

This one is more of a life hack, passed down to me by a leader on my DofE expedition; simply take two chocolate biscuits, ones with chocolate on one side and just biscuit on the other, and place them together, with the two chocolate sides touching, so it looks like a chocolate sandwich, where the surrounding biscuit is the bread. Now, eat them together, and marvel at the mind-melding fact that you will no longer get chocolate on your fingers! Holy religion, this is an awesome idea! And don’t tell me this will make you eat two at once so you’ll get fat, who the Hell eats just one chocolate hobnob at a time?

5) Only uncomfortable furniture is suitable for work

Quite simple this one; I do all my work at one of my two identical IKEA desks, desks so brilliantly dated IKEA no longer sells them, sitting in one of my two identical IKEA swivel chairs (same story here as with the desks). These aren’t fancy desks and chairs – the tables are just a single plank of smooth wood with four cylindrical legs drilled into the bottom (no draws or anything frivolous like that), and the chairs are tiny L-shapes of wood that offer no back support, and the wheels on the bottom stick out under five spokes, so that, from the top down, my chair looks like a clock with five equidistant hands. These spokes are narrow and bare metal, so I can’t comfortably rest my feet on them.

And I picked this stuff out of choice! After having one desk-and-chair-of-extreme-pins-and-needles set, I got the second one so it would be exactly the same! This means that they take five minutes to put up, replacement parts are easily available, and the uncomfortableness of it all means that if my focus on my work wavers for just a second, the physical pain of my legs and back will, literally, bite me in the arse. Therefore, any work I have to do I finish quickly, to reduce the frequency of these lapses of concentration and to a high standard, as I’m focusing all the time, and because all of my work is done at these desks, either at the computer desk for word-processing and research, or the plain desk for writing, all my work is done in this way.

This frees up a crap-ton of time to do other things; I got 4 As at AS, I’m applying to Cambridge, I write a daily blog and I’ve played more Football Manager than some consider physically possible; it’s not simply time management here, but having a butt-numbing chair really helps you get stuff done when you have to.

6) I’ve really missed writing this thing.


Icon For Hire’s Scripted (their new self-titled album is also out now, go listen to it with your ear-holes)

Laina, the Overly Attached Girlfriend! (who is a great example of a YouTuber using viral success to launch a funny and pretty successful online career that differs from that initial viral hit. Unlike Fred and the Numa Numa guy.)


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