Brilliant examples of illogical logic

(people always suck, but sometimes in hilarious ways)

To think logically seems pretty straightforward, right? All we have to do is find two isolated events, and formulate a link between them which could be feasible and achievable, two characteristics derived from past experiences and a general understanding of how everyday social interactions and physical forces play out. However, in making these links, which are imperfect by nature, as they are based solely on past experiences or presumptions (reflecting a deeper problem with the human mind), people often miss a step here and there, or miss the point altogether.

In honour of my realisation of the easiness and amusement to write a post in the form of a list with sub-headings, I present to you, humble reader, some great examples of ‘logic’ that make absolutely no logical sense.

1) The Celts!

Yes, the most undefined of all historical cultural peoples, a group of early William Wallace fans who populated Europe from the north of Italy to the shores of Britain and right up to the banks of the Rhine (even though it was mostly the germanic tribes there) from around 500 BC to 500 AD.

Although the Celts showed incredible regional variation in their religious beliefs and social systems, it was common practice to revere and worship nature and the natural deities; as a result, if an animal died accidentally in a Celtic community, there would be a general feeling of sadness and shame amongst the local population, for letting one of nature’s creatures die.

However, one Celtic reaction to this sadness at the loss of animal life would be to sacrifice another animal to appease the natural god they just pissed off by letting the first one die; they understood the need to pacify the gods, but simply responded with the basic Celtic response to everything (KILL IT FOR THE GODS!) and missed out on the point of it all – that the loss of life is a bad thing. Good going, guys.

2) Used needle clippers

This one will only make sense initially to diabetics, and those few who signed up for these useless things, but these were a small, rectangular box with a pincer at one end. The idea was that after using a needle, you would clip the actual needle bit into the interior of the box, using the pincers, which were placed over an incredibly small hole leading to said interior, leaving behind the harmless plastic base of the needle that you could then chuck away into any bin.

However, while there is a need to dispense with needles while away from home to avoid carrying around a sharps bin, the clippers just leave you with a lump of plastic, that you can’t throw away unless you find a bin, of which there are exactly four in the entirety of the Universe (this is why littering is so common). So you end up with a pocket in your bag full of bits of plastic, as opposed to bits of plastic with millimetre-long bits of metal on the end. Well worth the research, development, manufacturing and distribution costs.

3) Everything the Beano ever invented

Okay, solar-powered torches, smell-activated whoopie cushions, barrels for underpants and peashooters with multiple mouth-pieces are fun and all, but all of these things are meant to make merriment and pranking easier and more enjoyable,no? Yeah, I spent weeks on blueprints for making that type of peashooter usable for one person at a time, losing all of my friends and dignity in the process. Ten-year-old James sucked sometimes.

4) Corkscrews on Swiss Army Knives

“Hey, you know what would be a great extra gadget to put on this knife? An implement for opening glass bottles, which people are so likely to have when they’re camping or going walking, or doing any of the other things this product is designed to make easier”

I get that sticking loads of things on your knife to make it less of a knife and more of a chameleon of things you’re unlikely to ever need to use makes it look cool, but who the Hell really needs to open a bottle of wine in a tent? (Is the camping really that bad?)

5) This blog post

Look, I claim to be a writer, or at least a reader and analyst of things other people write (the success of which I will leave to you folks and my English teachers), and now, on a website that makes writing in prose easier than a Word document duct-taped to a modem, I’m writing lists of things. You know I said I write ‘adn’ more than any other word, including ‘and’ in my posts, now I think I type a number followed by a close bracket more than anything else.

Perhaps I think you’ll be more likely to read this if it’s broken up into separate, manageable chunks, or maybe because on my end, writing eloquently for anything more than two sentences at a time is difficult because applying to University seems to be the single most difficult and draining thing on the planet, ever moreso than those bits on Crash Bandicoot 2 where you have to run up the level backwards to get all the boxes or a secret.

I guess that ‘logic’ as a concept is flawed, in that we try to predict the future based on past experiences, which makes no actual sense if you think about it; saying it will rain today because it rains this time every month is, essentially, using unrelated justification. However, we don’t care; logic is there to help us think we are making sense of this messed up existence we have, and if the odd bit of daft Celtic sheep-sacrificing is the price for the peace of mind that the Sun will, indeed, rise tomorrow, its a bit of daftness worth having.

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