Why I Don’t Like Tea

(because screw you and your stereotypes about British people)

Yeah, I don’t like tea. So what? Is this a problem for you? Does this surprise or offend you? I hope it did at least one of those things otherwise I’m not being enough of an arsehole on this blog. But yes, I don’t like tea, and I’m gonna tell you why.

Now I’ve tried tea: I’ve tried it with the teabag in, and the teabag out; I’ve tried it with milk and sugar, without both, or without one, in some combination of them; and I just don’t like any of them. It’s all warm and oddly squishy-tasting for me, which is a very odd sensation, like trying to lick the thin layer of grime off the back of a toad as it leaps triumphantly from a pond.

I think a fundamental reason for my dislike of tea, and therefore my hatred of all things right and good in the world, is because its hot, and I generally don’t like hot drinks. For a very long time, I had cocoa before I went to bed over the course of my three-year Diet Coke addiction, as I wouldn’t be able to sleep without it.

Earlier, I wrote a post about how I like to be uncomfortable, as it helps me live an intense and productive life, and I think I formed a link between hot drinks and sleep in my mind; nowadays, everything from my strict eight-hour sleeping sessions every day to my brutally effective alarm clock is designed to help me get only as much sleep as I need to work the next day, so that way I have plenty of time to do all the things I need to, both in terms of relaxing and working.

People often say that tea wakes them up, or that they can’t work without it, but I’ve found that drinking a hot drink, such as tea, or doing anything remotely pleasant like wearing socks or having a bath means I am too relaxed to do any real work; I might just be perpetually burned out form school work and the crap-load of extra reading I do, and so my body takes any comfort to be an excuse to shut down, but whatever the reason, tea stops me from working, and is therefore a malicious force to be avoided at all costs.

There’s also an issue of healthiness here; I know that there are a million things more unhealthy than tea in this big wide world, but the presence of caffeine and anything vaguely chocolate-tasting unnerves me; I’ve had a caffeine addiction in the past, and my Diabetes means I’m never pro-chocolate, even in small amounts, and so I generally avoid tea.

I’m also acutely aware that healthiness is derived from small lifestyle changes rather than master cleanses or insane workout sessions; to this end, I literally only drink water, because in the long run, taking in a little caffeine every time I’m thirsty will build up and me a lot more harmful than taking in exactly no caffeine.

Tea also takes a while to prepare – any means of feeding that is more complicated than ‘place food/drink in mouth and swallow’ is a bit superfluous for me, and the fact that making tea is always presented as so complicated it makes people’s accents go funny just means that I’m never going to spend a lot of time making tea.

I’m not saying that my life is far too important and busy to be able to pour boiling water into a mug, its just that it all seems a bit too much preparation for a drink I don’t enjoy in the first place anyway. That and we didn’t have an electric kettle until earlier this year, so boiling water used to be  a bitch.

I can see the appeal of tea – its warm, comforting and relatively easy to make; its just that I dislike these things in my life. Obviously I don’t want to live in poverty, but I’d rather lead a life where I hop from one difficult activity to the next without any respite, sleep for exactly eight hours a day, then do it all over again and write about it in a blog post that’s gonna be read by all of two people, despite my constant self-whoring on Facebook to my so-called ‘friends’, than spend my time drinking warm drinks to make life a little easier. Life sucks, and while most of you folks try to deny it and block it out with warm blankets and tea, I embrace the idiocy of life, and use it as motivation to get up every day and get my meaningless existence over with, so I may ‘unburdened crawl toward the grave’. Without tea.


How to be English. (very much the ‘Genesis’ of British YouTube).


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