(this is undermined somewhat by the fact that anyone who plays Football Manager is unlikely to ever come within fifteen feet of another human being, let alone anyone they can realistically trick into loving them)
Look, I just got an offer from my first-choice University and I had a haircut so I no longer look like Charlie Brooker post-2010, so I’m way too happy to get pissed off at socks or mayonnaise or anything trivial like that today; instead, I’ll tell you about ways to woo someone using lines from one of my favourite video games.
(I’m getting the new game at Christmas, which you can pick up for 35 quid on Steam now, so sorry if I miss out loads of obvious innuendos from the new game)
– Hey, I’ll bet you like to come deep to get my balls.
– We should totally try circle-jerking, my Handling is 20.
– You’re a great coach – you’ve got Fitness of 20.
– I’ll treat you like a treat my players after losing a derby – lock you in a room and yell at you aggressively until you’re fired up.
– If you were a journalist, I’d talk to you passionately.
– I’ll treat you like AVB treats his tactics – controlling and oh so fluid.
– You’ve got 18 Heading, 17 Composure, 14 Teamwork and 16 Strength and you’re a Striker? This is the one time I’m unhappy you’re under eighteen.
– Your actions wouldn’t have been considered a foul thirty years ago? Kinky.
– Can we try a three-way? Our Teamwork is both 20.
– If I were your board I’d grant your request any day.
– I’ll treat you like Tony Pulis treats his teams – stiffly, directly and really long.
– I love having you in my team – you’re a Ball-Playing Defender.
– I’m gonna hassle my opponent and exploit the middle!
– Did you fall from Heaven? Because you’ve got 20 Jumping.
– I have the body of Will Hughes.