I Love Socks!

(and anyone who doesn’t is a sandal-wearing pleb with invalid opinions on everything who’s probably a really bad kisser, too)

Dude, socks are the greatest human invention; the ability to warm and illuminate our homes and purify food provided by fire is nice and all, and the steady eradication of ethnic, gender and sexual discrimination in any facet of life more serious than a standup routine is cool, but really, socks are the way to go.

First off, they warm the ends of your legs, commonly referred to as ‘feet’. Personally, I’ve found that it’s only the peripheral bits of my body that ever get cold if the temperature drops – hands, feet and ears – and so having protection on this area is very important, especially because my journey home from school involves a voluntary mile of walking, so having comfortable feet is key.

They also do so at little cost, both economically, and practically; regarding the latter, if you want to warm your whole body, you either need a coat or jumper, which I find compromises productivity (I can’t work in anything bulkier than a t-shirt), or to turn up your central heating, which involves at least walking to a thermostat, and at most an argument with a family member over setting of said thermostat.

Speaking economically, they’re dirt cheap. Here, the first result is under four quid (and is sold in a three, so you’ll always have one spare) and you can get Nike, knee-length football socks for under a fiver – that’s an insanely good ratio of money spent: leg covered by sock.

Socks are also incredibly varied: schools can force their pupils to wear them like sheep, hipsters can wear non-matching ones, aesthetics can invest thousands of pounds into them if they really want to, and I can wear ‘Days of the Week’ socks on incorrect days, and declare this to the world, to piss off people with OCD, and each variant is recognisable as the humble ‘sock’.

They also conform to my wardrobe criteria of a piece of clothing only being acceptable to wear if it allows me to escape from a nuclear holocaust / fight an army of zombies / start an improv game of football; they let you put shoes over the top of them, which can be selected for any of the above purposes, and do not inhibit shoe-less activities while you wait for any of those three events to happen.

Socks can be made into sock puppets, they can have toes to help you cosplay as Bilbo Baggins, they can we tough for hiking, or waterproof for swimming; socks are awesome! I’m wearing four pairs right now: two on my feel, one on my hands and another on my ears – I can’t get enough of socks!

I defy you to find a valid and sustained argument against these humble, effective and variable creatures, that are cheaper than the pork in an Israeli Tesco and more easily obtainable than Zubats in Mt. Moon. Defy you, I say!

And yes, I’ve never liked sandals.


Sock Shopping (Socking?)


2 thoughts on “I Love Socks!

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