(this post should totally have been my entire personal statement for my University application)
– Girl, sex with you is like The Inferno; it gets progressively tighter, sorer and more depressing the further down I go.
– You’re more unknown than the singing in The Lord of the Rings books.
– Hey, your kid reminds me of Yeats’ poetry: ‘A terrible beauty is born’.
– ‘Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou?’ Screwing your mum.
– Your body’s just like Middlemarch: really fat.
– You’re so inbred – you have more fingers than there are divisions within the Eighth Circle of Hell.
– My love for you is like Raskolnikov’s self-reflection: it can only ever exist with imprisonment and despair.
– If Dorian Gray is the ideal of the aesthetic, you must be the ideal of the blind aesthetic.
– You’re such a pain to be around that even Frankenstein’s monster wouldn’t want to be with you.
– I love your tweets, they’re just like conversations in Huck Finn: full of incredibly racist ideas and written in horrifically broken English.
– You’re so old even Lear thinks you should give up your powers to ‘younger strengths’ and ‘unburdened crawl toward death’.
– Imposing The Party’s system on our society would make absolutely no difference to the number of intelligent ideas you have.
– Girl, even under her pen name, George Eliot was more feminine than you are.
– You’re just like the sequel to Dracula: totally unnecessary.
– Boy, you’d make a perfect thral for me.
– A long-term relationship with you is like Harry Potter: overrated as Hell.
– Sex with you is like reading The Great Gatsby: over in five seconds and depressingly unsatisfying to finish.
– You’re so dumb that you go beneath the surface, even at your own peril.
– Your life has less depth to it than Dorian Gray’s.
– You’re so stupid you probably think ‘zed’ isn’t an ‘unnecessary letter’.