Literary Insults!

(this post should totally have been my entire personal statement for my University application)

– Girl, sex with you is like The Inferno; it gets progressively tighter, sorer and more depressing the further down I go.

– You’re more unknown than the singing in The Lord of the Rings books.

– Hey, your kid reminds me of Yeats’ poetry: ‘A terrible beauty is born’.

– ‘Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou?’ Screwing your mum.

– Your body’s just like Middlemarch: really fat.

– You’re so inbred – you have more fingers than there are divisions within the Eighth Circle of Hell.

– My love for you is like Raskolnikov’s self-reflection: it can only ever exist with imprisonment and despair.

– If Dorian Gray is the ideal of the aesthetic, you must be the ideal of the blind aesthetic.

– You’re such a pain to be around that even Frankenstein’s monster wouldn’t want to be with you.

– I love your tweets, they’re just like conversations in Huck Finn: full of incredibly racist ideas and written in horrifically broken English.

– You’re so old even Lear thinks you should give up your powers to ‘younger strengths’ and ‘unburdened crawl toward death’.

– Imposing The Party’s system on our society would make absolutely no difference to the number of intelligent ideas you have.

– Girl, even under her pen name, George Eliot was more feminine than you are.

– You’re just like the sequel to Dracula: totally unnecessary.

– Boy, you’d make a perfect thral for me.

– A long-term relationship with you is like Harry Potter: overrated as Hell.

– Sex with you is like reading The Great Gatsby: over in five seconds and depressingly unsatisfying to finish.

– You’re so dumb that you go beneath the surface, even at your own peril.

– Your life has less depth to it than Dorian Gray’s.

– You’re so stupid you probably think ‘zed’ isn’t an ‘unnecessary letter’.


14 thoughts on “Literary Insults!

      1. Well, for my high school English program, I read 25-50 books each year in addition to everything I read for pleasure. Plus, I grew up near “the South” in the U.S. It is THE book for that region. It is very melodramatic and depressing.

          1. I LOVE to read, so I choose it over other things. Now, with everything else I do, I read about 30-50 books a year. I read a mixture of trash fiction, children’s fiction, decent fiction, classics, poetry and nonfiction. I read on the subway, I read when I should be studying, and I read almost every Friday night instead of going out. Also, I read about 750 wpm which helps with the whole time thing.

            1. I write about everything I read, so reading becomes kinda hard on public transport. It also took me about an hour to read ten pages of Middlemarch, which I presume would be substantially less than 750 words a minute.

            2. Maybe I do it all wrong, but I always read a whole book before I write about it (if I choose to do so). I can’t analyze or pick up on details the first time through. I am a chronic re-reader of anything I felt was worthwhile the first time through.

              Also, short stories are my favorite to read on public transportation because I can finish one before the end of the trip which means I won’t read and walk through the station.

            3. I write as I read because close language analysis is so much easier hat way, which I find is the most interesting part of books. That way, reading through old notes reminds me of specific bits of language, which I can use to derive meaning from later, so I’ll often end up having different ideas about books as I re-read notes. I guess the way you’d re-read an entire novel.

              This is why I won’t go to Cambridge – they don’t really care for close analysis, which is what I really like and am better at.

            4. I’ve only got notes on Inferno and Middlemarch. It’s a recent thing I’m trying, to great success. Although I’ll probably get through at least Purgatory by new year and maybe start on Paradise Lost

              My handwriting is shocking bad though.

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