The Seven Stages Of Homework

(see the link to the seven deadly sins?)

It is now Saturday, or the penultimate day of the Christmas holidays, meaning the traditional teenage festival of ‘Christ, what was the Geography homework?!’ is now in full swing. In keeping with the time of year, I’d like to offer up what I think are the seven stages of completing any homework that is relatively easy, but incredibly long and tedious, to do.

1) Learning and rationalising what to do

Okay, the damn work was set two weeks ago, it’s totally unreasonable that they expect you to remember what it was, so you’ll ask your mate who has even less of an idea than you do, find out they don’t know, and spent three hours talking about the new season of Sherlock.

Then you’ll have to ask that ‘intelligent’ person in your class on Facebook, and you’ll see the ‘wall of shame’: a list of past conversations that perpetually take place every two weeks, start with ‘Hey wat was the geog hw’ and end with said person telling you, and you logging off.

But that work seems massive! Okay, its fine, you’ll just break it down into seventeen individual parts, spend exactly half an hour on them, and it’ll all be done in short, sharp bursts of effort. Or, you could spent two hours planning out your work for the next day, leaving you with no actual time to complete the work. And besides, it’s 4pm on a Saturday, it’s way too late for work now!

2) Starting the work with no appreciation of the difficulty or length of the work

You wake up early on Sunday afternoon, open a Skype call with a friend and sit down to do the work together, which of course means you’ll stop to play Halo every fifteen minutes and Eminem’s new album will be perpetually blasting out of each of your speakers. This will continue for about three hours, and you’ll enjoy every minute of it.

3) Appreciate the difficulty and length of the work

Your mate then gets called to go and ‘eat’ or ‘visit their dying grandparent’ or something selfish like that, so you’ll have to work alone. You then realise that your seventeen individual sections will each require about an hour and a half of work and total concentration during this time because its hard as Hell, and its already the quitting time of 4pm. You sight and stop listening to The Monster, partly because Brainless is much better anyway.

4) Bitch to your friends

Now, it’s time for your voice to join the cascade of ‘OMG, this hw is SOOO long’ posts polluting the Newsfeeds of the poor sods who added you on that awfully necessary website, and for you to use the hell out of the ‘downwithschool’ hashtag on Twitter, a hashtag that only really sees action at this time of year.

You might send some specific messages to the guy you were playing Halo with if they’re online, but for the most part, your infantile attempt to express your freedom of opinion only leaves readers thinking you to be a total sheep for making that damn hashtag trend, and that you’re terribly ungrateful for dismissing compulsory education as a chore in a world where countries such as Ethiopia have a literacy rate of 39%.

5) Get bored and look at porn

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

6) Do most of it, but leave a little to complete at break before the lesson

Because those last three tasks con’t possibly take too long, right? And break lasts what, twenty minutes? It’ll be fine, you’re sure of it. Anyway, no-one else has done the work fully, they’ve all done parts of it too, so you can just copy the bits you’ve not done off them, in exchange from them copying of you! Now you’re convinced it’ll be fine.

7) Fail to complete all the work at break before the lesson, and blag your way though said lesson with vague, incomplete knowledge of the topic

So yeah, all of you did the work from the start and got bored at different places, meaning everyone’s done the first task, but only you got past number thirteen, so while everyone’s copying off you, you’ve got no new notes to steal.

And I lied about that last part of the statement; through a series of Guantanamo-style questions and mental torture, your teacher will immediately find you who’s not done the work, because that’s their job and, unlike you, they have a genuine cause to do it, either out of a love of teaching, or just money. Regardless, you’re screwed, both in that you’re in trouble now, and you’ve got to finish off a two-week project in the space of two days before your next lesson. So well done you.

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