I Was Attacked Today

(cue sad violin music)

Today, I suffered a vicious attack, that was unprovoked, premeditated and directly harmful to my personal well-being for the day; I was mauled by a brick. The event in question occurred when I inadvertently nudged a small stack of bricks by a gate with my right foot, angering the top brick, to the extent that it leapt off the pile off head-butted my defenceless ankle (the suit trousers I was wearing at the time offered no protection).

The assault was clearly unprovoked; although my foot did nudge the pile of bricks, it did not hit the top brick, meaning that particular brick had no reason to react in the way it did; there was no chance the lower bricks that were touched could have communicated their possible anger to the top brick, creating a great brick chain of command, because, as far as we know, bricks have no unified means of communication.

Furthermore, the nudge from my foot was unintentional, both in its initial intention (or lack thereof) and in its execution (if we can attach such a term to an accidental action), whereas the brick’s action was entirely intended; its accurate landing on the precise weak spot of my ankle, the weird bumpy bit just above the top of the shoe, clearly shows this.

This precision suggests that the attack was premeditated; the brick lay in wait by the gate of my school that it knew I would likely exit through, as I enter and exit through it every day, and the accuracy of the brick’s leap would suggest that it knew my weak point, after careful and repeated analysis of my bodily proportions and walking mannerisms.

This brick’s actions are doubly callous, as the other bricks are likely to have been innocent in this whole affair; bricks have no means to communicate, and so we must assume that the aggressor brick hopped onto the other, impartial, bricks, to use them as mere building materials to launch its attack from. Disgusting.

I was hurt in a very practical sense by the attack too; the brick did not just hit me, but hit me on the ankle, a personally weak bit of me due to my history with Osgood-Schlatter syndrome, and my journey home from school includes a mile-long walk home, the majority of which is uphill, a journey which was severely hampered by the actions of this brick. I even over-compensated by leaning on my right foot, leading to aching on that side too, meaning the offender had cleverly taken out both of my feet in one fell swoop. Regardless of the brick’s motivation or moral leaning, you must appreciate its work in conducting this attack, much like Moriarty at the end of season two of Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat’s Sherlock.

The investigation into the motives of the brick in this heinous act is ongoing, and public suggestions would be very welcome; I have provided you with all the facts. My ankle has made a full recovery now, five hours later.

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