I’m An Evil Genius

(based, entirely accurately, on a true story)

My school has a building, stocked with computers, in which Sixth Form students can go to work ‘independently’ during their free periods; today, this building was the site of a piece of pointlessly evil irritation, similar in irrelevance and stupidity to this wonderful event, although on a slightly smaller scale.

To my left sat my friend Oscar, and to his left sat my friend Ajay; the former has a history of having his phone and other belongings amusingly ‘stolen’ by people, events that have led Oscar to be incredibly suspicious about those around him. Therefore, he immediately suspected Ajay when I stole his phone as he got up to collect a print-out because he ‘trusts’ me (for some ungodly reason) and was unable to refocus his investigation on anyone else as he was so suspicious of Ajay.

During his investigation of Ajay, I proceeded to complicate matters by stealing his watch, which he had foolishly slipped off his wrist and onto his desk; upon realising the theft of his watch, Oscar was violently bemused – he was sure that Ajay was the source of all his problems, but now another item was stolen while he was looking at Ajay not stealing it – in scenes that closely resembled the confusion and anger of this brilliant example of human intelligence.

I even dropped hints to Oscar that I has stolen his phone, asking him for his date of birth to try to guess his passcode (it failed), but he continued with his interrogation of the innocent, and increasingly annoyed, Ajay. As Oscar bent under the desk to check for his phone there, I smiled knowingly at Ajay, at most tipping him off to my status as the perpetrator and at least confusing him, which is a pretty cool outcome if I’m being sadistically honest.

I suspect that Ajay understood as, when Oscar took his phone to turn this game of hide-and-seek into a hostage situation, he took my iPod touch, an action that implicated me directly in the investigation. However, despite my now-obvious involvement in the crime in some way, Oscar continued to press Ajay, to his great annoyance, and to my delight.

I then had a go at Ajay, as payback for taking my iPod: while he was being patted down by Oscar (seriously), I took back my iPod from his desk without his noticing; I then asked him if I could have my iPod back once Oscar returned Ajay’s phone to him, sending Ajay, who is really a nice guy, into a panic that he had lost my phone. This had the added effect of reinforcing to Oscar that Ajay was a criminal mastermind and a kleptomaniac, so it would of course be logical to assume that Ajay had stolen his phone too. This led to more aggressive questioning of the innocent and scared Ajay by the desperate and angry Oscar.

I then covered my arse, and ensured no real harm could come to Oscar’s possessions, by giving the phone and watch to a third friend, whose real name I will not use as I forgot to ask their permission. I shall call them R-nav. R-nav would have been in Oscar’s lesson immediately after the free period, so the belongings were safe, but this enabled me to honestly answer Oscar’s inevitable questions: ‘Do you have my phone?’ No. ‘Do you know where it is?’ Nope – R-nav could’ve taken it anywhere.

Eventually, a teacher sat down opposite our computers, behind a short wall, which had the effect of embarrassing Oscar, and to an extent Ajay, in front of an established authority figure: they were frantically looking around for iPods, phones and watches, whispering accusations and proclamations of innocence back and forth while doing so, attracting the attention of said teacher. Therefore, they could get in trouble for talking in the ‘independent study’ room, while I got off totally free, appearing to be silently working on some Geography homework.

However, enough was enough: Ajay and Oscar were honestly almost at blows (a frightening prospect, given that one is in the school rugby team, and the other lifts weights), and I feared that too much teacher attention would result in the pair being questioned about their disturbances, leading to my inevitable involvement, and reveal as the antagonist of this little scene. Also, R-nav arrived completely unexpectedly, and gave back Oscar’s possessions when I asked them to; this had the unexpected consequence of Oscar attributing the theft to R-nav, not myself, but a few seconds later I admitted my guilt for the entire affair.

Then, we got on with our work, laughing it off like the friends we are (note: if I’m found dead in a ditch a week from now in a murder that ironically and preposterously involves a stolen mobile phone, Ajay and especially Oscar are your prime suspects).

Often on this blog, I try to apply things I’ve learned and experiences I’ve had to broader commentaries on our society and our culture. This time however, I have decided to accept this egotistically-named blog for what it potentially is – an exercise in narcissism – and write about how I’m occasionally a brilliant bastard. Because I am.



Homer goes fishing!

Emma buys cling film!


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