(disclaimer: ‘clean’ does not constitute ‘not gross’)
In a world simultaneously full of the easiest means to find humorous things, the Internet, and corporations and Governments that want to monitor your searchings, to ensure you’re not getting distracted at work or not constructing a nail bomb, it can be difficult to combine your inherent desire to look up amusing things on the Internet without getting screwed by ‘The Man’. As a result, I propose five tried-and-tested means of arseing about on the Internet, without alerting the relevant authorities to your procrastinations.
Hilarious auto-fill results
Type in anything from ‘Why does it always’ to ‘Why does North Korea’, and you’ll come up with wonderfully stupid answers that sadly reflect the growing stupidity and over-simplification of our society; this can be a pretty nasty way of being amused, as you can mock the anonymous fools on the Internet that are seriously wondering why North Korea has no lights – not whether they have lights, but why they lack this particular innovation.
However, some results can be amusing just because they’re simply silly; I’m now aware that ‘Why does it always rain on me’ is a song, but the first time I saw that on the auto-fill results, I almost pissed myself laughing at the ridiculousness of it. These jokes are, therefore, what you make them to be.
The Wikipedia Game
I think there’s an app for this, but it can easily be played without such modern conveniences: simply click on ‘random article’, make a note of the title, and click ‘random article’ again, then try to get back to the first article by clicking on blue hyperlinks alone.
It’s difficult to establish any sort of leaderboard for this activity, despite the numerical result of the number of clicks it too to get there, as the articles are, by their very nature, random: you’ll seem like a much better player if you can get from ‘Manchester’ to ‘Manchester United’ in one click, even though you might have less skill than the poor bastard who had to get from ‘Manchester’ to ‘BDSM’. But, you can just play this by yourself to kill a few hours if you’re bored.
Changing desktop backgrounds
The phrase ‘You got slothed!’ has become a staple at school recently, as people jump on logged-in and unattended computers, to turn everyone’s desktop background to a picture of a sloth, like this, or this, or this (LINKS TO ALL OF THE SLOTHS). The best part is that you’ll only show up as having looked up pictures of a cute animal online when your Internet history is checked by your school, or employer, which is totally harmless, right?
This logic applies to much darker topics; wanna change a background to a picture of genital herpes? Go for it, as you’ll be able to justify your actions as part of an unusually graphic biology project, or even research on behalf of a loved one who you’re concerned may have the condition.
Switching mice and keyboards
This is less of an Internet one, and more of a general computer piece of trollery; if you plug a USB mouse into the computer next to it, you can sit back and watch the ensuing comedy, as two, possible strangers, awkwardly and ineffectively try to figure out why their mice aren’t working. It can be like watching an unhappily-married couple put up IKEA furniture.
There is an obvious problem here, in that it can be difficult to justify your actions if you are caught, unlike the other games; however, the small-scale of the joke, and the fact that it’s really quick and easy to fix, means that any bollocking as a result of being caught soon becomes water under the bridge.