Sport-Watching Pro Tips!

(without this ungodly example of the potential problems of idiots who learn a thing or two about wordplay)

Last night, my chosen football team, Tottenham, was defeated 5-1 at home by Manchester City, after them beating us 6-0 earlier in the season. This is the footballing equivalent of an NFL blowout of about 52-10, a rugby scoreline of 35-3, or a cycling destruction of losing five minutes to a GC rival on a flat stage.

With most sporting bases appropriately covered, and with the potentially quite important Super Bowl on Sunday, bringing with it a traditional spike in the number of ‘Nooooo!’ exclamations from sporting fans on Twitter, I shall now try to give you advice on successfully watching sports without it ruining your life.

1) Snacks help

Either because of comfort eating, or just to stimulate senses other than the ‘That frakking ref!’ gland that we all have somewhere in our brains, snacks are a great way to get over a loss. They are also remarkably adaptable, as different snacks can be eaten to console us after different events: a crushing defeat can be pretty easily forgotten with an appropriate amount of Time Out bars.

2) Other people are good too

Whether they watched the game with you or not, moan to them about how, despite the overwhelming gap in quality between the two sides suggested by the final scoreline, you were that close to winning it. If they did watch it with you, they’ll even be that much more understanding, and those that didn’t will mindlessly accept whatever you tell them as gospel as they don’t know any better, so you can get some cheap support and justification for your opinions.

3) Don’t base your day around the game

Watching a sports game is a fundamentally passive activity (oxymoron?), so it’s dangerous to make it the focus of your day – you’re essentially basing your day and your resulting reactions to it on an event you can’t control, making it almost like deciding whether your day’s been a good one on luck alone.

Also, most sporting events take place at the end of the day, or at least in the afternoon, so your day will often build up towards the game, which serves as an almighty culmination of the last week, and a means to exercise seven days’ worth of stress, work and tension in feelings of simplistically glorious elation and pride. in reality, meanwhile, your day is rendered crappy by the fact that the bunch of idiots wearing shirts of a colour you like rolled a sphere around a lawn slightly less effectively than the bunch of idiots wearing shirts of a colour you don’t like.

4) Remind yourself that you never thought you’d win anyway

May I direct you to the work of Sophie Hannah – if you think life will always suck, you’ll feel that much better on the instances it doesn’t.

5) Forget about it

Have an engrossing and mind-numbing activity you can turn to immediately after the game, such as Starcraft, watching behind-the-scenes clips of Battlestar Galactica, or blogging. It can be surprisingly therapeutic.

And make sure this activity is unrelated to the sport you just watched your team get slaughtered in; there’s nothing worse than going from a 5-1 hammering in real football that you don’t control to a series of 5-1 hammerings in Football Manager that you do control.

Also, I am aware that I’ve written two of these types of posts in three days; I’m not lazy I promise – the game yesterday just inspired me to mope a bit, I swear.


How to fence

Pessimism For Beginners


6 thoughts on “Sport-Watching Pro Tips!

    1. Then yes, get snacks. Also, following people in your exact position on Twitter can help alleviate the boredom, as can watching it was a fanatic of that sport – then you can undermine the silliness of their obsession by obliviously asking how the game works every five minutes.

        1. Use it sparingly though, as you can easily end up looking like a moron. Also, only try to use it with essentially meaningless things, like sports – you can still be an intelligent person if people think you know nothing about a sport.

Leave a comment if you want to prove you're human

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s