(I dislike flowers. Not much of a surprise there then)
I write words. I speak them too. I am also forced to think in them. However, I do not always effectively select and use these words for my purposes; yesterday’s post about vending machines, for instance, was unnecessarily verbose for what it was – an easy-to-write, halfway amusing post that I wrote to continue my streak of daily posts and therefore a continuation of the improvements in my writing.
And I feel unnecessarily eloquent posts have become a feature of this blog recently; I don’t write simply any more, which concerns me.
On one level, the intricacies of my language makes sense, as it makes up for the relatively bland and basic ideas that it presents: writing about vending machines is fun, but not particularly intelligent or thought-provoking. And while not every post can be epiphany-inducing in its ideas, perhaps I feel that every post can be intelligently engaging through its linguistic presentation at least.
However, this stupidly verbose language does make me feel like a bit of a prat. My fanatical desire to appear ‘intelligent’ on this blog has basically forced me to attempt to be a smart-arse either in the ideas I present, which is excusable as it encourages discussion about those ideas, or the ways in which I present those ideas, which is less justifiable as it makes people go “Why the frak did he just use ‘forsooth’, he must be a prat.”
Maybe I do this because I’m a massive egotist too: I’m not juxtaposing simple ideas alongside complex words because its funny – one can only push a joke about vending machines so far – but because I want you to think that I’m smarter than I actually am.
And this reflects a wider fear that I have, that I’m much more demanding of attention than I think I am: do I help friends with work out of genuine altruism, or because I want to show my worksheet-filling superiority? Do I write this blog to encourage discussion and improve my writing, or to obtain tangible numbers that reflect how many people think I’m funny and clever? Although I’m hardly eager to impress people publicly, I’ve never been shy of performing in front of people, either in acting, debating or sports, regardless of my actual ability.
Hell, this ‘self-reflectionary’ post isn’t even that helpful; the simple language I opened with has faded into non-existence, suggesting any attempts to rectify my flowery language is fundamentally superficial, as I slip back into verbose terms whenever I get to the crux of an argument, and I’ve not broadened this idea out to include all people in our society, to suggest that we are all secretly egotists, as was my custom a few months back – this post is about me, and me only.
This is all made worse by my unknowing; the judgement of whether I’m egomaniacal is a subjective one, and one that you and I can make individually, at different times, reaching different conclusions that can change and still be justified, but the fact that there is room for debate at all unsettles me; I like knowing about me, and am much more comfortable with taking my specific and detailed knowledge about myself and applying it to others, than I am questioning my own nature.
Perhaps the worst part of all of this is that there is no real way for us to know whether I’m such a selfish bastard; my own interpretations are corrupted by my intentions – so I’m likely to frame me helping a friend as altruistic, not as an excuse to show my superiority – and you folks can only learn about my struggle with egotism through this blog, that I regulate and edit like the Soviet Union’ and foreign news; for all you know, I could have spent weeks writing and re-writing this, to ensure that I get across the most superficial self-reflection that I can, while still being pathetic enough for you to be sympathetic towards me and give this post loads of Likes.
I haven’t done that though – this is being written in one 25-minute session in which I might have a low blood sugar – and this confusion and lack of clarity is really starting to annoy me.
Perhaps I should stop worrying about whether my life is a good, honest, altruistic one, and focus on living it and letting it define itself; that way, I’ll have all the life I need to write amusing and thoughtful blog posts, that I don’t need to cover in verbose language to make them worth reading.