Prams Are Evil

(sometimes I think parents care more about their prams than the kids in the. Oh.)

I hate babies in general – for they are whiny, egotistical and short-legged to the point of football-playing impotence – and so any products invented solely for the benefit of babies seems, to me, to be an intervention in human affairs by Lucifer himself; why must we prioritise and protect those who will eventually be able to contribute to society, while we shun and marginalise those adults who have the potential to do so now?

However, this post will deal specifically with prams (or ‘Hell’s Chariots’), the means by which inconsiderate parents ferry around their inconsiderate children. My first complaint is their pointlessness; babies are not dogs, and do not need to be taken for walks around the park. The argument that babies need to ‘get out of the house’ is a valid one, as an appreciation of environments other than one’s own high chair can only be a good thing for reducing the inherent narcissism of all toddlers, but they don’t need to be carted around like a Roman Emperor.

Why not let them walk, so they may perceive their surroundings at their own level, and have a sense of freedom of movement and interaction with this world, rather than strapping them into a chair and shoving them into what their parents deem to be ‘places of interest’. This limitation of freedom could explain why so many people struggle to interact with their surroundings in creative and individual ways; since they were a baby, other people always showed them what was ‘interesting’ or ‘worth seeing’.

If anything, the total commercialisation of babies – everything from prams to branded pacifiers – dehumanises them, making them into accessories that you show off to your friends, who can simultaneously compliment your great eye for fashion in picking out the kid’s clothes, and your great genes for giving said kid such a cute nose; it is quite ironic, therefore, that the ultimate narcissists, infants, are being pressganged into fuelling the ego of those around them.

Prams also suck in that they are forcing parental conformity; the popularity of prams has led to a shift in society to accommodate them, such as the re-tiling of pavements and the widening of bus walkways to make reaching the wheelchair section easy for even a triple-infanted vehicle, encouraging new parents to start using them because they’re so damn convenient – this is quite an odd positive feedback scenario. In my local area, I’ve seen tens of young parents shoving massive prams up the rolling hills of Enfield with depressed and murderous looks on their faces; for these poor people, prams are not a convenience, but a nuisance, forced upon them by our increasingly, and disgustingly, pram-friendly society.

And what about us non-pram folk? I had to stop riding my bike around my local area, despite my love of it and the fact that I was getting fit enough to ride for 30km at a time, because of the sheer number of kids in prams being pushed about; it was ultimately unsafe to ride my bike because of the size and clunkiness of prams, which forced me into trees and crashing onto roads as I swerved to avoid these behemoths. And then the mentally-warped parent behind the pram would shout at my bloody and cut up carcass as I lay on the road, for having the audacity to endanger their precious child with my selfish desire to ride a bike around a park, whose pathways were, perhaps indicatively of their purpose, wide enough for a bike, but not for a pram.

This is all compounded by the ease of the alternative – carrying them in your damn arms, which is a greater sign of love and closeness than even the most cup holder-laden mega-pram in Creation – which means that, in effect, I’ve been screwed over (literally over my handlebars) for a fundamentally flawed and actively harmful system.

Who’d have children?


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