Despite my inner perfectionist wanting me to continue blogging for a while longer – having racked up an astonishing 89 views in just three days this week, from places as varied as Canada and South Africa – my outer exam-sitter makes the valid point that it would be downright moronic of me to prioritise meaninglessly quantified views on WordPress over maximising my revision time: I’m buggering off because I have exams to sit in a few weeks, thank you very much.

If you want to appeal to a higher power on my behalf – anyone from God to the Pagan concept of Fortune will be appreciated – my exams run from the 2nd to the 16th of June, and include an English paper, a History paper, two Geography papers, and three GCSE Ancient History papers, a subject that was interesting at first, but has now basically doubled the amount of work I have to do this summer.

Similarly, I’m grateful for any livestock you may sacrifice on my behalf, even though my Ancient History course covers the Greeks, not the sacrifice-happy Celts. I would like to ask that such animals are ceremonially executed in a humane way, and that their organs are donated to local schools to help educate children about the surprising accuracy and naturality of reading sheep entrails.

Furthermore, any outbursts of violence at schools across the country, to distract or incapacitate pupils, lowering their marks to push the grade boundaries down for me, would be cool, but I would like to stress that such acts of, basically, terrorism, must have their grade boundary-skewing intentions obvious: I want gunmen in balaclavas to shout ‘330 UMS for an A!’ from the roofs of burning schools, before unveiling a banner that reads ‘No A2 90% for an A*!’, if you’d be so kind.

For those of you of a scientific disposition, attempts to interfere with the nature of reality could be helpful, provided you create the sort of society that rewards inconsistent evaluation of arguments in Historical essays with more marks, rather than the kind of world in which humans breathe treacle, and so all die instantly from the archaic Oxygen-heavy nature of our atmosphere.

But I’d like to stress that there must be no cheating in these exams; screwing with the space-time continuum is fine, but anyone who tries to slip me a piece of paper with answers on it in invisible ink, while encouraging me to carry a UV pen into the exams, will be reported to the nearest invigilator for removal from the exam, or execution upon the Altar of the Conditional Offer to please the Great Gods ‘3-A Offer’ and ‘Affordable Student Housing’.

On a serious note, I’ll see you again on the 25th of June, my eighteen birthday, for another run of daily posts, that’ll continue until I get bored again. Take care.


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