On Warm FIzzy Drinks

(I don’t always drink coke, but when I do…)

I didn’t put an adjective in that title, not because I wanted to save my opinions for a big reveal later in the post – let’s face it, on this blog anything that is ever specifically mentioned is going to get expletives thrown at it until it’s indistinguishable from the convoluted mess of hostility I’ve covered it in – but because I didn’t want to hit my peak of unnecessary insults so early; that would mean the rest of the post would be tame and timid in comparison.

Instead, I’m going to peak at the start of the second paragraph: anyone who enjoys warm fizzy drinks is a fool, and anyone who serves a lukewarm soft drink to another human being should be turned into a vermin and forced to live off their own children, served, of course, at a temperature that doesn’t render the meat inedible, but is low enough to be severely discomforting.

And this isn’t out of some stick-up-my-arse desire for we plebs to kneel before the tyranny of the Serving Suggestion Box that comes on all of these products (partly because it’s wrong – I mean who really gets eight good glasses out of a two-litre bottle of Coke?), and it is not because I prefer these drinks cold, and so will try to force my opinions onto you through the medium of blogging that, if it were more successful, would attract the attention of the Russian government.

Nope, this is because of the simple logic that if a thing can be refrigerated, and there is a refrigerator available, there is no reason why it shouldn’t be kept cool. We do this with other foods, such as meat and fish, telling ourselves that fridges will ‘keep it fresh’, blissfully ignorant to the fact that anything that once vaguely resembled a living thing sold in any supermarket is packed with enough chemicals to last unrefrigerated until the year 2374. Essentially, we refrigerate other foods because we can, not because we have to, and so why shouldn’t soft drinks be the same?

Also, don’t take this the other way and start sticking anything non-liquid into the nearest fridge you can find; far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, but I’d encourage against putting an iPad in the freezer, just because you can; let’s keep consumables in our fridges, shall we – no more, and certainly no less.

Because it’s not fair on these poor fizzy drinks, who have to endure constant bullying from both the mainstream media, and random people on the Internet with a poor grasp of English grammar and how numbered lists work. They spend their entire existences doing what they feel is right, and what they are comfortable doing, and end up being more marginalised than than humans in Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes film.

So if you must drink their existences away, consuming them like large plastic mammals to balls in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, at least refrigerate them first, and let them die the way it it suggested on the label; life’s not fair, but we can at least reduce food and drink-based discrimination in the kitchen,

And at the very least, it will make it a much cooler way to go.


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