My Oven Is Possessed

(by a bad spirit, not a good one)

Ovens are used to cook things; you turn them on, put food in them, and the food becomes hot and edible thanks to a combination of science and common sense, in learning that you have to pull the tray out using a tea towel instead of just your bare hands. But mine doesn’t do that.

Sure, it warms stuff up (although sporadically, and to a lesser extent than most other ovens), but it’s defining feature is its volume – whenever you turn it on, it begins growling and screeching, alternating between an impression of Satan after stubbing his toe, or a particularly convincing impression of a Banshee learning that they were only one number away from winning the lottery that week. And there obviously isn’t anything mechanically wrong with it, because the hob and grill functions work fine; the only plausible solution is that it has been possessed with a malevolent culinary demon.

Perhaps these sounds are a warning to me, that this demon is trying to prevent me from cooking in its host oven; because frankly, if you possessed a body with a big hole in the middle, I’m sure you wouldn’t want people sticking their stuff in there and leaving it for half an hour*. Also, having to cook things all the time – two cooked meals a day during weekends and holidays, doubled and even tripled if me and my parents are going to eat separately from my younger sister – must be hard work for an oven that’s basically getting its power from a spirit, who may not be designed for cooking things.

Alternatively, the haunted oven may be a warning to me not to cook potentially dangerous or unpleasant things; this past week I’ve cooked sausages that cost literally 5p each, and so may not be of the highest quality, and fishcakes that probably expired two days ago. Perhaps the oven, and its demon, are simply looking out for my well-being, making the latter a benevolent, protective, spirit, as opposed to an inherently harmful one.

And this is an important distinction to maintain; this post’s title includes the word ‘possessed’, and so I’m sure some of you though that it referred to a harmful action. In fact, I was only referring to the act of a spirit entering and taking control of the body of another, for either good or bad ends; basically, ‘possessing’ is within the powers of both Freddy Kruger and Caster the Friendly Ghost, so it wouldn’t do to jump to the conclusion that I was referring to the sort of possession of the former.

I think we’ve all learned something today – the old adage not to judge a book by its cover. Except that it took me 285 posts, and an annoyingly loud oven, to draw any universal conclusions on this blog. God, I can’t wait for university.

*NB: I am now aware of the innuendo in that sentence, but I’m not changing it. *sticks tongue out*


4 thoughts on “My Oven Is Possessed

  1. I feel like most of cooking involves working with your food and your appliances. You have to get to know them first.

    That being said, I’m jealous of your growly oven. My oven here is invisible, or in other words, nonexistant. I didn’t realize how much I would miss it.

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