How To Be A Student On Expert Mode

(this mode is only unlocked if you pay the full £9,000 a year – it’s basically like buying the shamefully overpriced special edition of a Call of Duty game)

1) Read all your texts, regardless of intelligence and time period, without using any notes or looking anything up; you’ll see how smart you really are when you don’t know what ‘som deel’ means in The Canterbury Tales.

2) Only make one side of A4 notes a day, no matter how many lectures, seminars or epiphanies you have; you’ll have to cut down and prioritise your ideas while you’re having them, which is no mean feat.

3) Cook and eat three meals a day by yourself, completing the washing up after each one; it’s surprisingly easy to live off one meal a day when you can’t be bothered to cook.

4) Buy everyone you meet at a bar a drink, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, attractiveness or relationship to you; it’s like donating to charity, you’re basically buying a reputation as a nice person.

5) Contribute to a seminar discussion in a foreign language no-one else is familiar with; and if anyone questions you, just tell them you’re doing it for the sake of diversity.

6) When applying for student housing, claim to have the most impractically-managed medical condition you can make up / research online; and if your offers withdraw because you have acute fridge-carrying syndrome, they’re discriminatory bastards.

7) Whenever a lecturer says anything, mutter ‘I knew that’, or even ‘I could have said it better’, getting increasingly louder until your neighbours are aware of your superior intellect, or you’re asked to leave by an annoyed professor.

8) Do laundry only with the money you get from selling your valuables online, creating an interesting moral dilemma: a signed poster of your favourite band, or clean underwear for another month?

9) Hit on people whose sexual orientation is incompatible with yours, so if you’re a straight woman, try to pull a gay man; there’s no fun if it’s not difficult.

10) Get a meaningful amount of sleep every night.


11) Don’t use a map of your campus, or even city, for the first three months of your course.

12) Join the national society for a country you’ve never been to, have no relationship with or interest in, and have no knowledge of the language of. For bonus points, contribute to socials and meetings of that society using an offensive accent and exclusively referring to racist stereotypes.

13) Join societies you really can’t join: people in wheelchairs, join the non-disabled swimming team; deaf people go for musical societies; climate change-deniers, get into that environmental society. We’ll see how ‘inclusive’ they really are.

14) Give a different answer whenever anyone asks where you’re from, what course you’re doing, or what your background is; you’ll treat your new friends more as individuals if you have a separate and mutually-exclusive identity with each one.

15) Get off on the right foot with your professors by sending them messages in unorthodox ways – carrier pigeon, smoke signals, morse code – to show your creativity. If you hear back from any of them, you’re doing well.


6 thoughts on “How To Be A Student On Expert Mode

        1. I had a lecture in a room called B35 on a road called Gower Place. There is also a room called B35 on a separate road called Gower Street. Confusion and lateness ensued.

          You’d think we could name things differently, no?

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