UCL’s Falling Apart!

(slowly collapsing like a flan in a cupboard…)

Hate to be all doomy-and-gloomy on this otherwise fine (read: pissing down with rain and experiencing winds that make Hurricane Katrina look like a pussy fart) Thursday afternoon, but it has come to my attention that the fifth-ranked University in the world, that I’m paying 27 grand to, for the privilege of access to its multi-floored library and frequently-cleaned public toilets, is working about as well as trying to build a castle entirely out of origami feathers and the concept of disappointment.

First, we plummeted to 67th in the country for student satisfactionliterally on the day of my first lecture, which helped my confidence greatly. Then, the central email account was hacked and all 26,000 students, myself included, received Bello-intensive emails signing us up for YouPorn and King’s College, which would have made managing my rather intensive pornography needs possible without the deep shame of setting up an account myself, if not for the 2,999 junk emails I had to sift through. And then my student house’s front door stopped working, so instead of touching your key fob to a reader to open it, you have to pull it open with your bare hands, which is rather difficult for someone who’s answer to the question ‘Do you even lift, bro?’ is honestly ‘Yeah, the unabridged Bible!’.

But I’m really not that upset; may I refer to you the GCSE English poem Pessimism For Beginners, which is to me what The Bible is to Puritans, especially the last two lines – ‘Keep believing the world’s out to get you. / Now and then you may not be proved right.’ – which mean that I’m basically happy to be alive, and any time I’m not being tortured / sexually assaulted / kicked in the testicles / force to read out my year seven attempts at poetry I’m really feeling pretty good. So what if UCL isn’t as perfect as it could have been? I have a medical condition that would have killed me at the age of seven had I been born two generations ago!

Really this is just another opportunity for other people to get annoyed at things, and me to laugh at said people in a slightly annoying manner. Because this is honestly a minor problem; yes the constant email alert was annoying when I was trying to watch the final of Bake-Off, and it’s an issue that I can’t get a copy of my upcoming trip without having to get up and walk to the frakking English office, but I’ve hardly been kicked off the course.

This is why I like minor problems like this, and probably why I’m a twat sometimes; some people can get so excited and flustered about the smallest of things, and buzz excitedly around shouting their generic, impulsive opinions about those things to anyone they can meet (I did this with the email thing so I’m not exempt from my own mocking, btw); think flies to a fly-zapper that changes colour every few minutes – it blows their minds.

I think having a sense of perspective, whatever you’re doing, is an important thing, especially when others are in the same situation to you; your emails got buggered, but so did mine, so let’s get a drink, have a bit of a moan about it and move on with our lives, there are more important things on the way.

Like the Sci-Fi and Fantasy Society’s welcome to RPGs session that’s starting in twenty minutes; I finally get to play Dungeons and Dragons, and hang out with people that will understand my ‘Frak Earth’ shirt!


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