Ridiculously Unphotogenic Guy!

(it’s like a meme! only more shit)

Remember the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy meme from a few years back? The guy that looked so good, all the time, that there was never a bad photo taken of him? Well I like to think that I’m the opposite of that guy; I look like an Oliver Twist-style orphan clutching his only food for the week in the picture I use on this site (and on Facebook, actually), and having gone to a ‘party’ with ‘friends’ recently, Facebook has been awash with pictures of me standing awkwardly, looking bewildered and generally not having much of an idea about what I’m doing or what a camera is.

And I won’t be showing you any photos, so piss off.

It’s not that I’m upset about my appearance as such: I’m completely apathetic towards what I look like and what people think of me, and have the honest opinion that decapitating myself and replacing my head with a pig’s arse with eyes scrawled on each cheek in brown crayon would lead to an improvement in my ranking on the mythical attractiveness scale of ten, from a 0.01 to a 0.1 (an tenfold increase, I believe).

What does irk me slightly is my apparent inability to resemble my peers and adopt basic human characteristics, like standing up straight. My neck is also amusingly at an angle, to the extent that in an end-of-year class photo, my head was leaned so far over to one side without me realising that it looked like I had thoughtfully saved space to photoshop in my mate who had been sick that day and missed the picture, whereas in reality I have the spatial awareness of a particularly unlucky person walking under a ladder upon which a series of unusually clumsy workmen are being negligent with a worryingly heavy array of tools.

Because while I’m not necessarily a fan of ‘fitting in’, I’m also not a fan of standing out for no reason. I want to be counted as different to other people because I have interesting things to say, or have weird and entertaining hobbies, or controversial (within reason) opinions that we can talk about, not because I resemble a one-legged man in every picture I take, or because I seem to be smiling when everyone around me has the calm, relaxed expressions of the sort of people who actually go to fancy parties and give a toss about their appearances (at least before the alcohol is drunk).

And it’s easy to accept that I’m ugly, but harder to accept that I’m different to other people for no reason, especially with regards to such an obvious physical characteristic like the way one stands or the way one contorts their face to convey ’emotions’ (honestly, pen and paper is much better for such things).

But that’s just the point – I much prefer having my writing looked at than having me looked at, so I’ll keep up this blog with its one picture of me for the foreseeable future; and it you want to know more about what I look like, imagine a praying mantis grinning like Nigel Farage dressed like Eminem circa 1999, and you’ll get the idea.


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