How To Live In London On Expert Mode

(because life is a game that no-one wins, but you deserve a head-start the way you’re life’s going…)

1) Buy a new ticket for every journey you take on public transport, so you’ll eventually have to save money by walking everywhere, and you get the added difficulty of knowing that you’re wasting so much of the Earth’s precious precious paper (and by extension its precious precious trees) because a dumb blog told you to. Priorities!

2) If you’re a cyclist, only ride Boris Bikes whose registration numbers match (in order, of course) your date of birth, credit card PIN, or favourite multiple-digited number; for bonus points, only ride wearing helmets with childish pink tassels on them, so you can feel exactly like the sort of dickhead everyone around sees you as.

3) On buses and trains, ask pregnant women or obviously disabled or elderly people to give you their seat when they’re sitting in the priority seats, claiming to have a tragic (and entirely made-up) medical condition that prevents you from standing. Then watch as the following trustworthiness – to see if you’re telling the truth – and moral – to see if your disability is more deserving of a seat to be disabled upon than theirs – arguments play out on the faces of your confused victims.

4) Only go to clubs who play bands you’ve never heard of, and never to anywhere where a song you’ve heard is played; this sounds easy, but once you realise that you do, indeed, know Don’t Stop Believing, you’ll soon exclude yourself from every music venue in the city bar that one weird place that plays sounds not dissimilar from a cat being assaulted with a cheese grater, and the resulting abused yelps being mixed poorly with some screams from supernatural beings.

5) Give at least a quid to every homeless person you come across, and attempt to engage them in a conversation as the human beings they are instead of simple examples of how much the [insert name of relevant political organisation here] Party has ruined Britain; you’ll soon see just how much of a nice person you are.

6) Buy no own brand foods from supermarkets, and watch as your Sainsburys receipts grow, your bank balance dwindles, and you quickly stop appreciating the step up from Sainsburys Basics Soup to Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup.

7) Actually try to engage with a copy of the Metro in an intelligent manner.

8) Navigate around the city using exclusively those monolithic map tables dotted around the place, ignoring everything else from Citymapper to asking people for directions.

9) Make every tourist-y photo you take of the city a selfie, and remove an item of clothing every time you take one (you may remove a single sock or glove each time); this’ll teach you to stop posting your shit photos of Big Ben online, when there are much more professional ones available on Google Images, and they don’t have your ugly, generic face in the corners.

10) Walk up the 136 steps of Goodge Street station every time you have to get to or from the Underground there; we’ll see how sensible it was to wear those shoes then.

Super difficult bonus round for hardcore Londoners!

11) Be a woman.

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2 thoughts on “How To Live In London On Expert Mode

  1. Two things, James, two things: I often wonder if a) you actually like London? And b) people? Yea or nay?

    1. London, definitely yay – I’ve not lived anywhere else and the other places I’ve been have been fun but not ‘better’. Australia is big and empty and hot, the Netherlands is a bit too rural for my liking, and Bexhill is kinda small.

      But people? God no, they suck! (I mean ‘people’ in general – my friends are lovely)

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