The ‘Kill Me’ List

(I’ll probably stick this onto my flat’s fridge, alongside the decidedly anti-kill me list of numbers to call in case of a diabetic emergency)

I’m realising that change is important in one’s life. I can’t go on dismissing other people’s opinions because I treat everyone equally badly forever, not every Rise Against album can be a rehash of their superb Revolutions Per Minute, and someday Peyton Manning will retire from the NFL. However, there must be a limit to change, to avoid totally overthrowing one’s old identity; of course, if you want to revolutionise your life after spending a gap year in Singapore that was so inspirational, go for it. But I have no such desires, so any changes I do make to my life have to come with the condition that I’ll still be fundamentally the same person, just now with a few new interests and ideas.

With that, I present to you the Kill Me list, a series of conditions that, if all are fulfilled, will mean the person masquerading as James Patrick Casey will have deviated too far from the person he was at eighteen to accurately use that name. As a result, this imposter must be killed immediately, and with as little collateral damage as possible. This is a personal quest I’m entrusting to you fine friends and readers, so don’t let me down!

1) I start a discussion with someone who is not interested in protein shakes with the words ‘I tried this new protein shake recently…’

2) I legally purchase a Taylor Swift album.

3) I cosplay as a member of the Akatsuki without having cosplayed as Pain first.

4) I concede that The Last Of Us is superior to Mass Effect 2.

5) I stop obsessively putting all of my notes and papers into colour-coordinated folders.

6) I stop making notes by hand.

7) A week passes without me mentioning the UCL Dodgeball Club to someone not in the UCL Dodgeball Club.

8) I look forward to becoming a parent.

9) I stop putting my phone in my right trouser pocket, and my wallet and keys in my left trouser pocket.

10) I write a novel that does not include a complex female lead.

11) I start ironically using hashtags in places not suited for hashtags for comedic effect.

12) I claim to be wearing guyliner (this isn’t 2006. It’s eyeliner).

13) I create a version of myself on a sports game and do not give myself a jersey number including the number three.

14) The colour black is not a significant part of the design of this blog.

15) I wear a pair of jeans when a tracksuit would be perfectly appropriate instead.


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