Better Groups For The Impending Coalition

(two political posts in a row from someone who is supposedly such an apathetic bitch)

British politics, and specifically this General Election, is a mess. We use an idiotic system known as First Past The Post, in which parties’ power in government is not based on the number of votes they get because screw you we’re the establishment, which is designed to avoid coalitions, and provide two strong parties. But we’ve got about seven major parties, and we’re heading for our second coalition in two elections. But with the votes split so much between these seven parties, with the only real solutions being an insane five-party leftwing super-coalition or Labour and the Tories entering into a hideous coalition with each other, I’ve thought of some groups who could do a better, more coherent job of running the country if they were brought together.

The Green Party and Rise Against – Fortunately, the UK has no American-style laws about our politicians needing to be born here; Green leader Natalie Bennett is Australian, so there’ll be no problem with importing American punk band Rise Against to help restore some semblance of integrity, intelligence, and the actual acceptances of climate change as a problem and gay people as people, to British politics. Also, we won’t have to rely on homemade, but ultimately hilarious, attempts to songify politics like this any more, because Rise Against would release their manifesto as a 13-track album with a bonus set of policies for Japanese listeners only.

Charlie McDonnell and his former hoards of screaming fangirls that have grown up alongside him to be intelligent, tolerant members of our society – This would get around the problem of us needing, like, 300 people to fill up the House of Commons, and would address the gender imbalance that’s plagued human society for the last five thousand years or so. It’d also allow us to talk about YouTube without needing a bloody Google+ account.

A single Farfetch’d and this girl, neither of whom will have access to leeks – Speaking of Charlie McDonnell and imaging people complexly, if we put these individuals in positions of power, and deprive them of the objects that drive their stereotypical identities, we’re likely to see a more complex, even human, side to them. This will help get rid of the awful archetyping culture in British politics and Prime Minister’s Questions will be conducted entirely in kicking sand at each other, which would be more entertaining and intelligent than it is now.

Indie games company Red Hook and the makers of Cards Against Humanity – Manifestos and tweets from Downing Street will be hilarious, political correctness would be made illegal, and everything would be narrated in the echoing, gravelling undertones from beyond the grave of the mysteriously-accredited Wayne. Also, I don’t have any reasonable idea of what these people look like, so we’d get away from judging politicians on their appearances.

Jackie Chain, the Harry Potter Puppet, and ??? – Jackie would bring a Malcolm Tucker-like backstabbing pragmatism to the cabinet, Potter would enforce the party line, and ??? would be al over those hand-shaking photo ops.

Also, this post included way too many references.


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