I Made A Terrible Mistake

(admittedly, one of many)

Okay, it’s four in the morning. I’m a bit high so my decision-making’s off. I’m exhausted and am climbing into bed, when I notice my bed smells weird. Not a pleasant, surprising weird, but the sort of weird stench that blows from either the drooling maws of Cerberus, or from an eighteen-year-olds bedsheets when they’ve not been washed in about five months. I knew this was especially bad, because I don’t really have a functional sense of smell, so for me to smell anything means it’s insanely pungent, and for me to smell something bad means it’s odour probably resembles that of a Victorian street urchin coated in marmite.

So, in my sleep-deprived, high-as-frak widsom, I decided to spray my bed and all of its clothes with Lynx. I’m a fan of this relentlessly and unnecessarily masculinised piece of shirking on taking a shower every morning, because it’s smelly enough to operate in place of air freshener, and despite being a rather pleasant odour, it’s also strong enough so that people will immediately know that you’ve sprayed it under your armpits instead of having a proper wash, so it’s its own deterrent against being used too regularly.

And, having just coated my bed in this internationally-recognised ‘I’m a douchebag’ sign, I jumped into bed, wrapped myself in my duvet, and prepared to go to sleep. A whole half a microsecond passed before my nose started burning, my eyes were watering, and I was already bitterly regretting the decision I had made not five minutes ago; I tried to sleep in what was ultimately a Fungus the Bogeyman-style cesspit, and hadn’t realised this was a bad idea.

Now, I’ll give sleeping another go; I’ve spent fifteen minutes writing this post, and the smell is starting to dissipate. But if there isn’t a post tomorrow, assume I’ve been killed by that most deadly of teenage threats: overuse of shitty, expensive deodorant.


10 thoughts on “I Made A Terrible Mistake

  1. Two ways of looking at this
    1) at least you care – I remember a time when my brother went through a Lynx phase and now it’s just….gah must he keep his kit in his room?
    2) Some people do this with impulse (body spray range, makes me smell like flowers) – and though I’ve never heard it being sprayed on a bed, I’ve heard (and seen) it being sprayed in other strange places….
    Like SHOES.

    BONUS: what doesn’t kill you allegedly makes you stronger; I say become the new Lynx person. Tell them your story and they’ll be blown away by this new level of dedication.

    1. I don’t want to be the Lynx Guy though! Their products are expensive and their marketing is borderline misogynist! Although I have sprayed it in places like my shoes before, so I might be qualified for the post…

            1. Verdict: You’ll find something right for you one day; until then…change sheets? 🙂

              It’ll work out

  2. I’ve seen febreeze adverts with men in them…well, a teenage boy whose room apparently smells like a football ground’s changing room. Ugh, stereotypes again, never mind.
    Hilarious post though, hope your nose and throat aren’t too burnt.

    1. I’m trying to find a product that isn’t advertised at me through relentless stereotyping, but I think that might be a bit ambitious :/

      But thank you 🙂 I managed to sleep in the end so I guess they can’t have been too bad.

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