High-Waisted Drop-Downs Bamboozle Me

(they confuse the pants off me)

You know those high-waisted trousers you can buy, that are typically worn by women? The ones you tuck into a top to make it fashionable, but if you’re a 13-year-old guy who does it with his school uniform you’re a loser? Yeah, those ones.

The important thing to notice about these trousers is that they’re not just longer than normal trousers, but are differently-proportioned to normal trousers. While standard trousers have legs of a length x, and a crotch-holding bit between legs and waistband of y, the high-waisted species has legs of a length 0.75x, and a preposterously tall top bit of, like, 3y! I’d draw a diagram, but I thought needlessly mathematised nonsense would be more intelligible than my attempts to pick up a pencil and face the ordeal of scanning something into a computer.

And this makes sense if the high-waisted look is what you’re going for; simply pulling up a pair of standards trousers to the height of a high-waisted pair would result in the wearer being flicked between the legs by their own bottoms, which would annoy women and agonise men. As a result, the high-waisted pair of trousers is a very specialised form of leg-coverings, much like the evening gown, or that one, perpetually-tied towel you only ever wear to showers.

But I saw a pair of these most particular pantaloons being used for a new purpose the other day; as drop-downs. Much like the high-waisted trouser is a mainstay in most feminine wardrobes, the dropped-down trousers are commonplace in the filthy piles of decayed cloth rags that men wallow around in in an attempt to clothe themselves in the mornings. This isn’t to say that the male variant is any less sophisticated than the female one – you’ve not suffered for your fashion until you’ve spent hours fawning over such minute variables such as angle of elasticated waist, waistband depth, and the terrible decision of putting those waist-tightening strings inside or outside the trousers – but is simply a variant; if a woman aims for a high-waisted look, she wears high-wasted trousers, and if man shoots for drop-downs, he wears trackies.

One man has chosen to break this norm. One, heroic, man; he was wearing trousers in the style of drop-downs, but they were clearly high-waisted pants, considering the point where the legs meet the crotch was dangling close to his knees. He looked like an individual perplexingly in possession of two calves, yet a single thigh, wobbling and hobbling down the pavement, his fabulous style flying in the face of both human anatomical needs, and the practicalities of walking as a biped. I don’t understand you, nor will I imitate you, but sir, I salute you.

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